The mommy goody bags that I will be handing out

Dear readers,

I want to use this space to announce that I will be handing out something during all of my upcoming plane flights: porny sorry bags. Yes, “porny sorry bags.” So, during upcoming flights I will probably be reading Maxim and Stuff magazines, but not out of any interest in the various devices that they are spotlighting, which I flagrantly cannot afford. Instead I will basically be reading them in a thinly disguised attempt to see which women they are photographing in bikinis and lingerie, much of which I think my current girlfriend (or as she calls herself, “wife”) should wear.

But I will not be failing to think of your feelings while I am doing this.

Instead, I will be handing out small bags containing things that you might like, in an attempt to reconcile you with my porny habits. For example, these bags will have Snickers bars, which produce a temporary “sugar high” in the person eating them. During this sugar high, according to neuroscientists, most people are 60% less likely to care whether the magazine Maxim even exists, much less whether I am actually reading it. Obviously this is followed by a “sugar crash,” during which time you will probably try to brain me using a plastic utensil. But this will not succeed because bone is much stronger than plastic.

In addition, my Porny Sorry Bags will have crossword puzzles in them, which are so absorbing (unless you never figure out that 27-down is “Mary Tyler Moore”) that you will not even be aware of what people in the nearby seats are reading, including STUFF’s list of the 100 hottest chicks that ever existed, a list that actually does include Mary Tyler Moore, but down near the bottom where the pity picks are clumped.

If you happen to have a baby, that is perfect, because babies are innocent and do not even know what magazines are supposed to report on. As an example of this, most babies subscribe to The Nation.

See you “on board”!