It’s Fun To Stay At The U-Haul


(U-Haul. Sacramento. The other location near the one on El Camino.)

Clerk: Before you came to get boxes here… you went to the El Camino location, right?

Me: Yeah.

Clerk: People always do that.

Me: Yeah.

Clerk: Nobody can see us.

Me: Yeah.

Clerk: We’re invisible. This street is too small.

Me: I agree.

Clerk: People are always like, “Oh, I already went to the El Camino location.”

Me: I certainly did.

Clerk: We do stuff here. Storage, for example. That’s one big thing.

Me: Makes sense.

Clerk: We have trucks, you know. They have more trucks, OK. But we do have trucks.

Me: Ohhhhhhh, we’re the El Camino location, our fleet is soooooooooo big.

Clerk: Right?

Me: Let me say something right now. Do they really take care of those trucks? Do they really know every single vehicle in their fleet?

Clerk: I doubt it. How could they?

Me: You’re a bit hard to find at this location. But I can see everything’s in good shape. I can’t tell you how important that is right now.

Clerk: Why?

Me: Because… I’m going to let you in on a secret. I’m from headquarters. Something big is about to go down, and when it does, this location is going to be crucial. If anything, and I mean anything, goes wrong here…well, I don’t even want to think about it.

Clerk: What’s the big thing?

Me: I can’t tell you that. Not at this point. But let me just say two words: homeland security. And three more words: secret spy location. Wait, how many words is that?

Clerk: Five.

Me: You bet it is. Have you thought about that? Has anyone been around lately, talking about Phase 2?

Clerk: No, I haven’t heard anything.

Me: Of course not. But I’m telling you. When the El Camino location is compromised — and it will be — this place will be all that’s left holding the line. They’ll deny everything, of course.

Clerk: They’d like that, over at El Camino!

Me: They won’t like it one bit. They won’t like it…at all.

Clerk: Are you paying cash or credit?

Me: Credit. [Beat.] For now.