The Kugelmass Episodes

The Nostalgia Shows We’d Like To See

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So…a lot of performers are going around playing concerts where they re-create, in its entirety, whatever album made them the most famous. Thus you have Carole King playing all of Tapestry for a Cinemark Special Presentation; U2 playing all of The Joshua Tree in Rome; Eric B and Rakim doing Paid In Full to celebrate the 30th anniversary of having received payment, in full, as requested. In Philadelphia, Pearl Jam first played all of Ten, then put down their instruments and publicly apologized for everything else they’ve ever recorded.

But there are a lot of nostalgia shows that haven’t made the headlines yet. Here are the ten we’re most anxious to see.

1. Legend, by Bob Marley, performed in its entirety by somebody related to Bob Marley. This tour brings back together the original group of people who are admittedly not Bob Marley, but are totally related to him, or else aren’t related to him, but do make the same hand gestures as the original backup singers.

2. “Get Me Bodied,” by Beyonce, performed in its entirety by Beyonce. (Note: there will be a brief intermission at the 90-minute mark.)

3. Damaged, by Black Flag, performed not in its entirety but just as the band gamely alternating between “TV Party” and “Six Pack,” over and over, like a thousand times or something, while you get absolutely wrecked.

4. Zooropa, by U2, performed in its entirety in front of a gigantic audience of people curious to see if the band even remembers half of the stuff on that album. Refunds will be issued if Bono just starts doing “Lemon,” again, at any point.

5. Now That’s What I Call Music! Volume 15, performed in its entirety by the person next to you at the gym who has a questionable, poorly researched, yet unshakable conviction that he cannot be heard by anyone else.

6. Every Rap Sample Ever, performed in its entirety by an unsuspecting guy recording PSAs during the 1950s — a decade made famous by those who said absurd things, in a very serious baritone, for money.

7. All or Nothing, lip-synched in its entirety by Milli Vanilli, and performed in its entirety by a tape player.

8. …And Then Nothing Turned Itself Inside-Out, performed in its entirety by the original members of Yo La Tengo, who will recreate their now-famous method of being fairly groggy throughout, and sometimes just dozing off and not playing a single guitar note for what seems like hours, or nailing that signature keyboard sound by falling asleep face-down on the Yamaha.

9. Pet Sounds, performed in its entirety by a man who has become convinced that every track on the album is somehow connected to The Book of Common Prayer, and will sing it like he’s the spooky Halloween ghost of a Beach Boy. This man’s name? Brian fucking Wilson! Show some respect!

(Note: after the initial performance, Brian Wilson will then perform Pet Sounds again, this time in mono, for some goddamn unfathomable reason.)

10. The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill, performed in its entirety, which is just a shame, because she has to do the skits. You know what I’m talking about. They weren’t even separate tracks. Not only will Lauryn Hill be there, but there will be an entire pretend “classroom” having a pretend conversation about the themes of every song. Every. Single. One.

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