FBI Says It Is “Running Out Of People Who Can Partner Up With Weirdos”

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According to a new statement released by the Federal Bureau of Investigation, “we are running out of people who can partner up with weirdos.” The press release, which had a tortured, almost haunted tone, went on to define “weirdo” as “somebody who probably should not be working for the FBI, but whom we have hired anyway.”

The list of these special agents includes charismatic con-men, women covered in encoded tattoos, undercover agents who are in too deep, empaths with good cheekbones, a guy who knows every bad person ever in the whole world, awkward geniuses who all claim to be on something called “the spectrum,” a hacker who types really fast, a nerd who watched an FBI home movie and now has occasional flashbacks, and even one guy who “literally doesn’t do anything except take drugs.” (He believes these drugs make him super-smart, and nobody has had the heart to tell him otherwise.) The FBI currently employs over 10,000 special consultants, and the supply of good handlers is dwindling so fast that many in the agency don’t think any new special task forces will be created this year. “We’re also running out of ways to use the word ‘special,'” said one staffer.

The problem is complex. To begin with, the handlers have to be hot. “If the handler isn’t hot, then the weirdo has to be hot,” explains the FBI’s head of casting, “and it’s just very unlikely that a sexy dude has Asperger’s. Most geniuses are far more relatable, by which I mean either fat, oddly pale, or conspicuously female.” Of course, hiring these outliers puts incredible strain on the agency to come up with white male handlers who aren’t geniuses. This is like trying to find blue M&Ms. “Pepperdine University has been very good to us,” the agency notes, “but their resources have been stretched to the breaking point.”

The agency is also under fire from conservative groups across the nation. “Usually what happens is,” says Bud Yeagerman, the president of Traditional Enforcement, “these agents become deeply emotionally involved with the strange person whom the FBI has inexplicably hired. This is an affront to all of our longstanding American values. What’s next? Hiring anyone who has paranormal abilities? Hiring people who work at the CIA?” Yeagerman believes that such emotional bonds should only exist between two partners “on the force,” or else between a handler and a police animal. “Neither partner can be an eccentric who plays Mozart in a mental institution,” claims Yeagerman. “Is that really so much to ask?”

The FBI says something must be done quickly. “We’ve got our best people working on this,” says one senior official, “but if you ask me, none of them went to Quantico.” He was a Quantico alumnus, he added, and then proved it by shooting six rounds of ordinance into a person-shaped piece of butcher paper. “Quantico,” he said again, doing jazz hands. “Quantico.”

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