Jurassic World: The Restored Manuscript Of The Historic Kugelmass Interview

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It began as a consumer survey at the Connecticut Post Mall on September 20, 2014. Even now, we are still putting the pieces together, but some facts are not disputed by any of the critics, journalists, professors, or Hollywood executives, who have since bloodied their knuckles in this fight. Here’s what we know for sure:

Kugelmass was ushered into a small office. A woman rushed by, carrying a large bag and eight novels. Kugelmass now contends that “all of them” were written by David Thewlis, even though this is patently untrue. Most subsequent accounts have followed Kugelmass with respect to naming conventions, and refer to the books either as “The Eight” or by the Hebrew word  קֹהֶלֶת.

The books were laminated, and the laminate was dull: she had borrowed them from an underfunded library. She left her keys on the books. She handled the money. Beyond the reception foyer there were small interview rooms. 

Kugelmass apparently demanded immediate payment, although the interview had not begun. The woman refused. He was asked to complete the entire survey (30 min) before either dollar could be paid out. 

An interviewer in a blue shirt led Kugelmass into the fourth room. There, a man and a woman were having some kind of slow-motion argument about Dracula Untold. Many, many facts, on both sides, were terribly incorrect. Kugelmass was ushered into a chair. He worried about the computer, but the man in the blue shirt began operating it, apparently successfully.

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(EDITOR’S NOTE: Later, this computer was recovered, but the hard drive was badly damaged. It was the source for what were, hitherto, the only known versions of this interview, entitled RUN! We are still hoping that another restored file, a music video for “Buddy Holly” by Weezer, will turn out to be a clue.

What follows is, we now propose, the entire text of the discussion between Kugelmass and Interviewer #5, based on the Declan O’Brien/James Gleick edition of RUN!, plus newly restored files from the computer’s primary drive, “C:/CRAZYONES.”)

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#5: Do you think you are going to watch EntourageThe Seventh Son, or Jurassic World?

KUGELMASS: I will watch Entourage: The Movie. I liked Veronica Mars: The Movie, and this is the same deal. Frankly, I like most films subtitled “The Movie.”

#5: Did you watch Jurassic Park as a kid?

KUGELMASS (defensively): Wait a second. This isn’t really an interview about Entourage, is it?

#5: Please answer the question. Did you watch Jurassic Park as a kid?

KUGELMASS: Yes, I did.

#5: What did you think of Indiana Jones, when you were younger?

KUGELMASS: I saw it as a kind of career guide, written in visual shorthand.

#5: What do you think of Indiana Jones now?

KUGELMASS: I think those films are frequently correct about the perils of things you eat, drink, or look at.

(#5 stares at him, ultimately writes nothing. Instead, he loads a video file on the computer. He watches Kugelmass watching a trailer for Jurassic World. Kugelmass blanches and coughs violently. Afterward, at first, both men are silent.)

#5: Some of the scenes you just saw did not have any special effects, or, if you did see special effects, they still weren’t as cool as they could be. If we added more dinosaurs, you would notice it right away, and it would impress you. For our purposes, as you answer the following questions, pretend there were at least twenty more dinosaurs all, plus other things, happening all over the place.

…Did you watch Jurassic Park II: The Lost World as a kid? What about Jurassic Park III?

KUGELMASS: At a certain point, childhood ends, and Michael Crichton ends with it.

(#5 enters “Saw these films recently, in the past few years.”)

#5: What do you think is the plot of the film you just saw previewed?

KUGELMASS: People travel to an island to see cloned dinosaurs. Chris Pratt does this with them. One of the island’s dinosaur labs is creating a secret dinosaur, probably because they have a secret military contract or something and are trying to weaponize Tyrannosaurus Rex. This is like trying to weaponize anthrax, or, I don’t know, a Gatling gun.

The dinosaur escapes and everything blows up.

(#5 writes this down, including new words of his own invention: “coned dinosaur,” “battling guns.” The computer stops him: CHARACTER LIMIT.)

#5: Did you find anything confusing or implausible?

KUGELMASS: Who is the woman who screams “RUN”? Did you hear her screaming it? Is she a lab technician? Does the island have a PA system? Why would you put a secret dinosaur lab on the same island as a public dinosaur theme park? How long can people really fail to notice a huge secret lab surrounded by reinforced steel, especially if she’s working there, and screaming like that all the time?

(#5 writes down, “woman scrming for no reason”)

#5: What did you dislike about the scenes?

KUGELMASS: I hated the crocosaur with the hamfisted Blackfish Sea World thing, come on. I hated how it’s this futuristic utopia, with floating cars, and yet it fails, because it is human nature to weaponize dinosaurs. I hated the child with curly hair. I hated watching Chris Pratt doing comedy at gunpoint. I hated the logo. That logo reminds me of Jurassic Park II and Jurassic Park III, it reminds me of…films about the dangers of cloning.

(#5 writes this down, assiduously, looking over his shoulder from time to time.)

#5: What was your favorite scene?

KUGELMASS: Those dinosaurs running a marathon. Ha, ha! Yeah right, hadrosaurs! Keep dreaming! I also liked the woman putting bar codes on speckled eggs. That’s honest work.

#5: Did you notice that the eggs scene was from Jurassic Park? Did you think that was cool?

KUGELMASS: Did I think it was cool to watch a scene about people scanning barcodes on eggs?

#5: Yes, that is the question.

KUGELMASS: I am not going to answer that question.

#5: Would you answer a question about whether they are building the super-secret dinosaur because the lab scientists made huge leaps in their research, suddenly, or because the theme park will close if they don’t invent a new dinosaur? It is hoped that people will want to come back to Jurassic World for this new attraction.

KUGELMASS: Would the new dinosaur, other than being very smart, still look like a Tyrannosaurus Rex?

#5: Yes.

(AN IMPASSE. Kugelmass begins to speak, stops. In the lanes of the mall, men finish selling cases for smartphones, and roll their carts into evening storage, down long hallways. Somewhere a parking lot is thinning out. It is almost night.)

#5: Well, is there anything from the first movie that you wanted to see here, but didn’t?

KUGELMASS:  Sure. Chaos theory. And corporate greed.

(#5 writes “cos theory,” starts on next sentence.)

KUGELMASS: No, chaos theory.

#5: OK, I’ll put that in, “chaos theory.” I’m not used to people giving answers like this.

(#5 writes “caos theory.”)

#5: Were you disappointed that there were no actors from the original movie, such as Jeff Goldblum?

KUGELMASS: If we are talking specifically about Jeff Goldblum, not being in this movie, I felt…I don’t know. Relief? Write “relief mingled with envy.”

(#5 writes “It was neither important, nor unimportant.”)

#5: What were your favorite parts of the original movie, that you would want to see incorporated in a new movie about dinosaurs?

(Both can see, on the computer screen, the words PUSH RESPONDENT FOR 4-5 ANSWERS)

KUGELMASS: Jeff Goldblum pouring water on his hand. Neuman yelling “YOU DIDN’T SAY THE MAGIC WORD!” In my opinion, that would make a great ringtone...Richard Attenborough doing impressions. The year’s most burning question, “are junior high schools hotbeds for hackers?”

(#5 writes nothing down.)

INTERVIEWER #5: You are not telling the truth. Who is “Jeff Goldblum”?

KUGELMASS: Who is he? JEFF GOLDBLUM! You literally just… (trails off) …What’s your question?

INTERVIEWER #5: You are hiding something. If you had to sum up Jurassic World in one word, what word would you use? Would the word be “exciting”? Intense? Scary?

KUGELMASS: One word? Probably “regrettable.” Forgettable. But put my answer as, “unforgiven.”

INTERVIEWER #5: Whatever it is you just said, I can’t use it. I don’t even know what it is. Your answers are difficult, sometimes impossible to register.

(He pages through numerous screens, mostly by pressing “Tab.” At last he turns to KUGELMASS.)

INTERVIEWER #5: Thank you. For the time being, you are free to go.

(Transcript ends here.)

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