The Tyrion of the Majority


What follows is a close look at the impact of Tyrion Lannister here in the United States.

In Florida, a man was accused of “rolling through” a stop sign “like it wasn’t even there.” He entered a plea of not guilty. He also confessed to sixty-seven other crimes, some of which weren’t crimes, one of which was robbing a bank. “I am not guilty of this crime!” he exclaimed, pointing at an imaginary stop sign. “But I have definitely robbed the hell out of a bank!”

In Delaware, three separate people demanded a trial by combat. Since it was a government case, the government was represented during the combat by an unmanned drone. Ultimately, it turned out that all three defendants were guilty.

Game of Thrones: Tyrion’s Quest was released for the Playstation 3. It is a massively multiplayer online world in which you are represented by a small, Emmy-nominated avatar, and can go to the castle to request a trial by combat. So many players logged on to do this simultaneously that the server crashed. Then HBO GO crashed, in what is believed to be an unrelated incident.

Stephen Mitchell, an Army lieutenant currently on active duty, demanded combat by trial. Then, at his court martial hearing, he unexpectedly demanded more combat. You should have seen the look on the Army’s face! It was such a Steve thing to do, too.  That is just classic him.

We are receiving numerous reports of shoppers demanding free trials by combat.

At a juvenile court in Wascahollee, Oregon, a young man interrupted his own trial seventeen times to say various true things about everyone in attendance. He claimed that one witness was drunk when the alleged crime occurred, which was true. He claimed that he couldn’t have committed the crime, and that he was really on trial for being a rebel, an outlaw, a square peg in a round hole, a delinquent, a wild man, a free bird, and a dubstep fan. This was fairly accurate. He accused the judge of eating his lunches at the cafeteria. He accused a small child of daydreaming. He accused the warden of having a telephone. “I don’t know if he’s a criminal or just some kind of genius,” said the judge.

Finally, Tyrion Lannister has now been officially retained as a strategist by the Republican Party, who are hoping that he can help them survive the loss of the filibuster option. “He’s got an idea that we’re definitely looking at, in terms of the confirmation process,” commented one Republican aide.