shouting, murmuring, authorizing
QUESTION: DO YOU WANT TO ALLOW OR DENY THE PERMISSIONS THIS APP IS REQUESTING?
This app will be able to:
1. Change the color theme of every website to “Dark Apocalypse,” “Delirious Blue Sunflower,” or “lite rock.”
2. Post as you to Evite, with the following message: “I’m in Siberia right now but have fun!”
3. Create memes as you. (Well, sort of. Let’s say as a goofier, more extroverted version of you.)
4. Take advantage of one-day only sales.
5. Follow easily recognizable people ironically as ironic you. Incorporate them into stories about your dreams.
6. Observe your actions, reserving judgment, informing advertisers.
7. Courier messages from one social network to the other, changing them in small ways, as if to say “I love all my networks! Equally!”
8. Heal you. Heal itself.
9. Shower an unending hailstorm of approval on everything.
10. Read the news & the paranews, including the entire Huffington Post.
11a. Listen to podcasts on your behalf, after first explaining why this would be fun. Listen to music, avoiding Shockwave Flash like it’s jury duty for a murder trial.
12. Carefully sort out the real free iPad offers from the fake ones.
13. Minimize or maximize nostalgia (you can adjust this in Settings).
14. Just really go all out clicking the crap out of some cow. As you.
15. Be more edgy than you, yet not so edgy that people intentionally write sentences that begin with the word “um.”
16. Photoshop animals as you (we mean, according to your style). You can adjust the type of animal in Settings. We will notify you about weird animals.
17. Post as you, as if drunk and playing Truth or Dare.
18. Decide the whole “pet question,” taking into account economic and apartmental factors. Download pet-sitting apps if any get invented.
19. Read things later as you — on your Kindle, Nook, or HAM radio — in bright sunlight, in a mangrove swamp, underwater.
20. Quote famous people as either you or as them. Kind of depends on the quote.
21. Nickname you (see #15).