My Day (With Apologies to Harper’s Index)

Total time spent on bed-related issues: 2 hours

Amount of these two hours that were spent on fitted sheet: 15 minutes

Amount of time doing exchange at Bed Bath & Beyond: 30 minutes

Amount of this time spent waiting for “air bed expert” to arrive: 5 minutes

Number of times Bed Bath & Beyond employee used air quotes while explaining that we were waiting for the “expert”: 2

Number of air beds I’ve gone through in six months: 3

Number of other customers returning air beds to the same store this month: 5

Amount of time spent waiting at DMV: 45 minutes

Number of times DMV employee, using highlighter, circled my forms to emphasize I had to do everything through the Web: Twice

Previous times I’d attempted to use the Web to solve the error blocking my re-registration: 2

Attempts made after visit: 3

Number of times I attempted to say my license plate number via DMV’s automated phone system: 12

(Successful resolutions via either system, phone or Web: 0)

Number of times I attempted to say my license plate number in a goofy Southern accent: 1

Average percentage of improved automated voice recognition when I used that accent: 18%

Number of Save-Mart Customer Service stations in one Save-Mart store: 2

Percentage that were non-operational due to computer problems: 100%

Number of computer systems at Blue Cross Anthem, library, Save-Mart, and lawyer’s office that were either “down” or “updating”: 4

Minutes spent receiving handwritten receipt for returns at library: 10 minutes

Callbacks I was waiting for from customer service representatives once computers “were back up”: 2

Callbacks received: 0