recap of the south carolina debate

Probably many of you weren’t able to “tune in” for yesterday’s debate between candidates running in the Tea Party primary. So I’m providing a helpful recap.

Note: Candidates A, B, etc. are not specific individuals. “Candidate A” is whoever spoke first on a given issue.

1. Health Care

A: We should make sure that private health care providers can do what they do best without government interference.

B: We should make sure that people can’t receive daily injections of pure heroin, which is currently happening under ObamaCare.

C: Get the government out of Medicaid! Get the government out of Social Security! Get the government out of my recycling bin! Get the government out of this top hat! Get the government out of the White House!

2. Corporations

A: Apple Computer is a pretty good company that employs people both here and in China.

B: In order to get Apple computer to come back, I will cut their tax rate to zero.

C: I will cut their tax rate to zero and make unions illegal.

D: I will cut their tax rate to zero, make unions illegal, and allow them to claim Siri as a dependent!

3. Immigration

A: We should make it more difficult to immigrate illegally to the United States. Legal immigrants are OK.

B: We should build a giant wall around everything: our borders, our houses…even the small houses that contain our dogs. One legal immigrant per year can come to our shores. The other people can give us money and put their names on a list. We will keep the list in a safe place.

C: We should have no immigration, legal or illegal. If somebody comes here legally, we should tell them that we were just kidding, and then arrest them. After we build the wall, we should build one passageway through it. On our side, there will be caryatids with lasers in their eyes. Then, somebody walks through the passageway from Mexico, and BOOM! CARYATIDS, MOTHERFUCKER!

4. Abortion

A: I will vote according to my conscience. My conscience is pro-life.

B: We will get Roe v. Wade overturned by having states vote on abortion. I don’t know what a “Federal judiciary” system is, and I also don’t care what it is.

C: So China has this one-child maximum? Here’s my plan: a two child MINIMUM! DON’T CALL IT A COMEBACK!