My “Three Wolf Moon” Amazon Review

Tuscan Milk, your time is drawing near.

Here’s my review, entitled “Received incorrect wolves by mistake,” one star:

I would not recommend buying this shirt to anybody because, although the shirt that you see in the picture looks totally amazing, the shirt you actually receive is completely different. It looks pretty much the same, in terms of the wolves being inspiring symbols of untamed ferocious beauty, but I’ve talked to lots of people and they all agree that what I received is actually the “ironic version.” This version has caused all sorts of odd problems for me. For example, I have always worn a trucker hat, since I make, sell, and drive trucks. However, on the very first day I wore this shirt, people started telling me that my hat was “over.” Likewise, I have always enjoyed drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon, because it is delicious. But now, when I go into a bar, they start pouring me one before I even request it! Then, when I mention how delicious it is, everybody says weird things like, “Right? I know! Completely drinkable! Take that, microbrews!” WHO ARE THEY TALKING TO? When I finally realized that the problem was my new shirt, I tried to explain the mistake, by saying things like, “No, seriously, I really like wolves.” When I’ve said this before, I kind of got the feeling people were laughing at me, but not any more. Now they say, “Exactly! I think it’s totally cool to just be into wolves, and to, like, wear a wolf shirt. It’s would be so refreshing if everyone could just be themselves, and if you’re into wolves, that’s cool, and if you’re not, then that’s awesome, because it’s about whatever is real for you.” But, first, why wouldn’t you be into them? And second, why does saying that cause people’s voices to go up four octaves?

I don’t know the answer, and if you don’t want to find out, then heed my warning, fellow lovers of lupines!