A Dream That I Had After Seeing Star Trek: The Movie

In this scene, young James Kirk is fighting, wenching, and drinking his way across Iowa, when suddenly…

OLD GUY WHO GETS THE BRAIN LEECHES LATER: We need you to be a starship trooper! Your standardized test scores are way off the charts!

JAMES KIRK: I don’t remember taking any standardized tests!

OLD GUY / BRAIN LEECHES: Of course not! You were totally drunk! But your noble, starship trooper blood sort of took them for you when you were passed out, thus proving to millions of teenagers — once again — that if they don’t perform well on the SATs, they should kill themselves!

JAMES KIRK: Are you saying that I have mitochondria in my blood, like Anakin and the annoying, nerdy kid from A Wrinkle in Time?

OLD GUY / BRAIN LEECHES: Probably!

JAMES KIRK: Well, that sounds kinda derivative, but…Wait a second, if I become a starship trooper, am I going to have to take that test designed by Spock? It’s totally unbeatable.

O.G. / B.L.: Don’t worry, you’ll kick that test’s ass!

JIMSTER: How?

O.G. / B.L.: By cheating.

JIM-BOB: Does that mean I cheated on the earlier standardized tests, too? Because cheating against Spock seems like a normal thing for a hot-blooded kid from Iowa to do. That Spock! He’s so crazy! The token woman/black person wants to have his baby! But on the other hand, cheating on these standardized tests from my mysterious past would pretty much just make me a cheater, which is sort of lame.

O.G. / B.L.: So let’s just assume that you only cheated when it was awesome to do so. Oh God! The brain leeches! I can feel them attaching themselves!

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